My Swansong!

Below is a prime example of the type of cyber bullying which has attracted so much media attention recently. It was sent to a dear friend of mine, Hugh Sless, (you can discover more about him by visiting his Facebook profile).

“To be totally honest with you Hugh, I've seen you around and you look like a fucking peadophile with your grey hair and your dirty clothes. You need to fuck off before I make you or I get the polive involved because trust me I'm 1 email from you away from reporting you to the police.

So do yourself a favour and piss the fuck off :).”

It was sent by a troll I’ve christened Pink Coat. "Fucking" pedophiles is correct because that's precisely what they do and complaining to the "polive" won’t get her very far. But we're splitting hairs here. Students of cyber bullying are welcome to use the above as an example of the genre.

Now I really must get back to my computer games...

BE IT KNOWN THAT THE TROLLBUSTER GENERAL HAS RETIRED TO PLAY COMPUTER GAMES ON A PC SOMEONE GAVE HIM!

He may return...but, then again, he may not. Someone left me messages in Chinese - hence the photo above. I could have attempted to translate them using the wonders of the Electronic Age, but I just couldn't be arsed. Probably some troll child. What am I thinking about? It could equally well have been an adult troll because they're just as immature!

Trollbuster General V Craig Browne!

PLEASE NOTE! AS FAR AS I KNOW THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO CONNECTION BETWEEN THE CRAIG BROWNE MENTIONED HERE AND ANYONE WITH THE SAME NAME ON FACEBOOK! SO DON'T GO LOOKING.

However, there are trolls on Facebook. One that springs to mind is Hugh Sless who’s pretending to be a union activist supporting the Labour Party. He – or she because, as in the red light district of Bangkok, one can never be quite sure – also thinks they’re a comedian. Unfortunately they seem to lack the most important quality every comedian needs. In fact the only good thing on his profile comes in the shape of a rather sexy female who specializes in erotic literature. And what a shape! Sless himself is a rather ugly old fart so one imagines he must be hung like a stallion. (Myself, I’d prefer it if he were hung like Saddam Hussein).

Anyway, I recently felt obliged to send the following email...

"Craig,

Okay, mate, this may piss you off. But we mustn’t jump to conclusions. It may actually amuse you. If the former then I apologize because I’m not, by any stretch of the imagination, a vindictive person. Indeed, I can modestly claim that my powers of forgiveness would outstrip those of a saint. (Yes, you may mock. But the thickness of my skin makes me impervious to your slings and arrows). If the latter then I will have done my good deed for the day by bringing some sunshine into your life. By now, those who know the Trollbuster General and his methods will have gathered that he’s not only something of a pedant, but that he’s also cursed with an acerbic tongue.

If you wanted to fool me why on earth did you send an email using your patently false “Craig Browne” Hotmail account? And then send another one under the name of “Christopher Barnes?” An equally false name because they don’t fit your ethnic background. We both know you’re not a Caucasian so whom are you trying to fool? Unless, of course, you’re scared that the immature game you cooked up with “Pinky” might somehow be traced back to you. Perhaps your response was triggered by my joke that the police were coming round to confiscate my computer. And the fact that both emails came from the same computer did rather tend to give the game away. Perhaps you wanted to show me that you had the IT skills to create two different email accounts on the same machine. In which case allow me to congratulate you.

Whatever the reason, I imagine I was supposed to believe that Christopher Barns was Pinky. Unfortunately you didn’t think it through. You should have consulted me before trying to pull this stunt. I know this would probably have been counter-productive. It would have been akin to a practical joker asking their victim which chair they’d like them to hide the whoopee cushion under. It would, however, have spared you the embarrassment of looking like a total dork. Here’s what I would have done...

1. I’d have told you not to use the Craig Browne account. You may have replied that you wanted to make sure I connected Craig with Chris Barnes. Yes, but only if I was as thick as the proverbial two planks of wood.

2. I’d have advised you to change Christopher Barnes’ gender and use a more appropriate name. Of course, you may have replied that you wanted to protect Pinky. If you recall, the last time you emailed me was when I asked you if your sister was all right. I could say that your brotherly love is to be applauded – if it wasn’t for the fact that you used her to play the role of a potential femme fatale. Did she agree to do this or did you persuade her? Perhaps we’ll never know.

3. I would have told you not to use the computer based in Manchester, but the other one in the town where Pinky lives. This, by the way, was the computer that was used in the first of your previous emails timed at 11.18 am. However, when you sent the second one at 17.13 you were back in Manchester. Is that where you’re living now?

4. I would have advised you to leave a note. Now that would have been creative. I left one – under the old tree.

Of course, the picture is further complicated by the fact that some time ago I gave your email address to someone on Interpals. And this person told me they’d emailed you. Maybe this person is also involved in the Craig Browne/Christopher Barnes conspiracy? Maybe this flawed idea was theirs? If so I wouldn’t advise them to boast about it. Not unless they enjoy being ridiculed. Because whoever dreamed this one up left themselves wide open to ridicule. And it’s not as though the Trollbuster General is short of people to ridicule. There’s a whole army of trolls out there!

Ironically, this Yank recently emailed me saying they were in Australia. The only problem was their email came from America! Perhaps they’d left their computer in the States and popped back to use it. If so, then I sincerely regret having put them through so much expense. Why, oh, why didn’t they use a computer over there? Don’t the Australians have computers? Yes, yes, I know it sounds sad that anyone would spend time analysing emails and constructing lengthy and sarcastic replies like this. But these qualities are the trademarks of the Trollbuster General. He loves rubbing salt into the wound. And, if his biography is ever published, replies like this will no doubt amuse his readers.

Of course, I may be barking up the wrong tree. You may actually be Pinky. Worse still, you may actually have a crush on me in which case I’ve spurned your advances! Hell hath no fury, right? If so, then I’m sure you’ll be more than eager to put the record straight. Of course, sceptics may say that it’s equally possible Santa Claus is real and the moon is made of green cheese. But I live in hope. Because the alternative is mediocrity. A total lack of imagination and creativity. Instead of sparring with the Professor Moriaty of Trollania, I’m left with a total amateur. Instead of bullshit I’m presented with chickenshit."

Nude Poetry On Gumtree!

The Trollbuster General has decided to give Interpals a rest and seek troll-infested pastures new. One website in particular has recently caught my eye. It's called “Gumtree” and included this rather interesting advert...

“Hi 

My name is Nick, a published author and award winning poet. I write modern, fun, vibrant poetry and perform it naked. You can find more information, along with a selection of my work at www.myspace.com/thenudepoet

I am looking for new venues/events to perform at and so if you think you could use a nude poet (any events considered from a hen night or girls night out to poetry readings and literary events and burlesque/alternative nights) or have any questions then please mail me back or contact me via myspace.
Have a great day!”

Okay, this guy could actually be genuine. In which case I barely apologize. Sorry about that. However, even if he is kosher I feel I must express some doubts about his modus operandi. Take his idea of reading poetry at hen parties. Of course if it was a ribald poem like “The Good Ship Venus”* I could understand it. But not serious poetry. Would they actually listen to it? Fuelled with drink and confronted by a naked man I very much doubt it. Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I just feel that lovers of good poetry should not be distracted by a man waving his meat and two veg about.

*“Twas on the good ship Venus,
By fuck you should have seen us,
The figurehead a whore in bed.
The mast the Captain’s penis...”

A Cultural Request from Thailand

Take a look at the hottie above. She’s from Thailand and in her her profile she writes...

“I want to make new friends in the world and share our cultures.
If you write me I will write back.”

Presumably when females in Thailand wish to discuss cultural matters they always dress like that, right? Yeah, I think we can all guess what “cultural” matters she wants to talk about! On the other hand, the Trollbuster General is a paranoid old sod so he’s wondering if she actually is a female or one of those ladyboys from Bangkok. Which is a rather appropriate name when you think about it. Bang – Cock. Get it? Here’s something far more serious. It’s from the profile of a guy from India...

“and its been three weeks since my last breath”

We need to start CPR immediately! Check his vital signs! Wait! Maybe he one’s of those Fakirs. And this is some kind of super transcendental meditation where the respiratory system is barely ticking over. If so then I suspect this fakir is a faker.

Interpals!

Once again the Trollbuster General has been kicked off Interpals. Did someone go running to the Moderator? This is the second time it’s happened! Now I know how “shavedcock” must feel. The last time it happened after I pointed out to a fellow member that her email address didn’t match the country she was supposed to be living in. There were other errors in her profile. I shall be charitable and refrain from mentioning that these were the sort of errors one would expect from someone who was intellectually challenged. Someone with learning difficulties. Oops! I have mentioned it! What am I doing? Anyway, this time a female calling herself Angela sent me a message asking me to contact her. When I did she sent me some photos. I very much doubt if they were genuine. Anyway, I discovered that her email header could have been altered, which is an old trick used by spammers. When I pointed this out to her lo and behold the next day I find my Interpals account has been terminated. Funnily enough, the females in both cases appeared to come from the same geographical region.

Of course, all this could be nothing more sinister than pure coincidence. Still, I suppose it’s better than getting death threats – and I’ve had those. Of course, normal people would consider that to be an overreaction. That the person concerned could have some sort of psychological problem. They might even consider the person who had me kicked off Interpals to be both vindictive and immature. Personally I find it all rather amusing. I may return to Interpals or I may take the easy option and periodically glance though the profiles from the outside. So whoever you are...

The Trollbuster General is watching you!

PS: To show there’s no hard feelings and that the Trollbuster General is just a big softie at heart, the person concerned is welcome to comment on this item. Feel free to castigate me! And you can use as many expletives as you can spell...which I expect won't be that many.

How To Get Your Teeth Into Interpals!

It’s clearly a wind up, but I just couldn’t resist it. The last time I saw teeth like that they were in the mouth of the winner of the 3.30 at Ascot!